I wonder if I am the only one who has felt as though, "Is there more to life then this?" and "How can one find happiness?" Although my life has barely been lived; I will be two decades in two weeks but for the past couple of years these questions have been running through my mind. Ever since I crossed that stage in 2012 ending my twelve years of school, the reality of life has hit me and continues to hit me harder than ever. As each day and year passes I realize that time is slipping me by and the many dreams and hopes I have had are being hit with reality.
After graduating I thought now is the time to start new; a new state, new friends, and a new perspective. My expectations were high, high is an understatement, they were probably a little unrealistic. I will say that their have been some good experiences and I have met some great people through the process but I am constantly wondering that their has to be more. One can only live in a Christian bubble for so long; you come to this realization after attending a Christian school for only two years but do not be fooled actions speak louder than words.I have learned that sometimes I set my expectations to high only to be disappointed.
One question that I seem to be getting asked more often is, "What are your plans after you graduate?" Then I hear some mumblings about how awful the job market will be, everything that I need to do in the present in order to secure a job and other ramblings of the same sort. Can I be completely honest? These questions frighten me the more I think about them! What about the present day? Can I just live for today; I do not know what the future will bring and a lot can happen in a couple of years heck a lot can happen in two days. But most of all I am being hit with the reality that for the next 30 years or so I will be working a 9-5, paying bills, get married at some point, have kids, etc. Do not get me wrong I am excited about my potential future career but the fact that it will, God willing, become reality soon is a scary thought.
So I refer back to my first question, "Is there more to life than this?" I do believe that Jesus is the reason for life and the reason I live. But, "How do you go from merely existing to living the life Jesus called for you?" I do not have an answer to this question; prayerfully God will provide me with the answer.
I will say that God has grown me spiritually in the past couple of years or so which is probably why I am asking all these questions. After experiencing the death of a good friend, watching the news about all the violence and hate that goes on every single day, after hearing life stories from strangers, friends and family I have learned that every person inhabiting this planet is more than just a face. Everyone has a story, listen to it. I can not even begin to start on how the many life stories I have heard that have honestly opened my eyes to see people for who they truly are, their talents, and gifts. I have met some of the strongest people, the things that they have experienced in their life is more than I can digest at times. Their are also the people that I have met that I wish they could see their value because He does not make mistakes.
As I watch the news and hear stories of unthinkable things happening to people in my own state, country, and around the world, it makes me wish that I could do more than watch. I have asked this question when thinking about "What is our ultimate goal in life?" The truth is that nothing in the world is going to bring happiness or satisfaction. I have not had to try or experience everything in the world to know that this is true; I can watch and see that many of the things the world offers has not brought others happiness but has led to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
As God has taught me to see the value in others (which I am still learning because it is difficult to love some people as God commands) He has also taught me to see the value in myself! I am discovering the qualities of myself that I find special and seeing both my inward and outward beauty. I am still learning at times but God is showing me how valued I am in His eyes. Which is good because it is teaching me that God wants the best for me in my life. Yes, this refers somewhat to men and knowing that God will not have me settle for anyone who does not love Him above all but as well values me in the way that I value myself. If a man can not see me the way I see myself, he gets the boot. But this is also true in friendship; I want people who value the person that I am and I value them in return.
I guess the question is "How does the living happen?" I just want God to show me that I am not wasting time but truly living. I pray that one of my biggest dreams and desires I have comes to florishment sooner rather than later. As well as finding more than happiness but joy which is not a temporary feeling like happiness. The truth is the future and reality has me shaking in my boots at times but I am going to trust that God will take me where I am and the person I am becoming and prepare the way before me.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
